i think my mom watched the whole time
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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