I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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