Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
