I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
