What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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