I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I just googled if crying burns calories
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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