No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You are a genius and a whore.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
