Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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