The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
