i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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