Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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