My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
