Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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