so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
