I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
