Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
