im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I stole a fireplace last night.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
