I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
