Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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