the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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