I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
