shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
