Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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