What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
