she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You left your phone here
Wait...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
