Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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