I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
