just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
