After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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