We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Terrible idea I love it
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
