who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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