Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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