Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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