And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
