I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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