I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
