Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
