Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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