Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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