How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
