Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Randomize
