I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
