So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
