Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
