Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
