I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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