if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
