i love accidental penises.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
