imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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