The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
