Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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