If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
